Back to Normal?

This slump I've fallen into of feeling blah and doing nothing hasn't gone away. Though, I did thoroughly clean the bathroom and the bedroom and some other chores, which I've been rather slack at. And it was, invigorating. I'm anticipating the arrival of a friend and meeting her new husband.

I haven't had "fun" in YEARS. Truthfully, I'm miserable in Indiana. I'm so far away from doing anything. And going from a lifestyle of going out every week and having a lot of friends around all the time, to NEVER going out. I'm excited and happy to go grocery shopping. And I have zero friends here. Kevin and I nag each other. And Chase is pretty much solely my responsibility 24-7. I have to force Kevin to play with us and beg him to watch him for a few minutes so I can do dishes in peace.

So yeah, I'm still depressed. And it's not just hormones. Though that was definitely a catalyst. I need a break. Hopefully, the arrival of my friends tomorrow will knock me out of the monotony of my life and get me motivated to do something again.

I'm so sick of being home. Just even an outing to this other park which is only a few miles away would be nice. But Kevin has to play with Chase too. Not just sit at the benches while I follow him and play with him. I want to do family things.

Sometimes, Julieta, I'm so jealous of your family. All the blueberry picking and fun pics you guys have together. I take all the pictures. I have to force Kevin to on CHRISTMAS. It's so disheartening. And All this tension builds up in me. And Chase gets the backlash of it. My patience is thin as I selfishly want more time to myself. Therefore making Chase act out to get my attention. Bad attention. It's a self-perpetuating machine. I've been trying harder lately.

I really want to go out dancing. I used to dance every Thursday and walked 6 miles a day 5 times a week. The other 2 days, I'd go to restaurants, parties, shopping or friends would come over. Now, I sit at a computer and occasionally we go for walks around this very small, sidewalk devoid town. I love walking. But here I have nowhere to walk, nowhere to walk to and don't really even want to bother. So now I'm about 40lbs heavier than the heaviest I'd ever been before. Which only adds extra lbs to the depression.

I have 3 pairs of pants that fit me, one skirt and a few t-shirts. My boobs are still humongous and my belly goes over the top of my pants. Big, heavy sigh. It certainly didn't help eating Chase's leftovers, plus my meal. Now, I try to refrain from fixing myself a meal until he's finished his. And I'm eating tomato sandwiches and boiled eggs. Other stuff too, of course. Not attempting my own version of the Kimkins starvation method.

Well, that's enough happy rambling for now. I need to entertain myself.

Weaning Himself

Chase is now 30 months old and has finally weaned himself. It's been about a week or so now since his last nursing. He's asked for "feed me" a few times when he was having trouble falling asleep on his own, but otherwise has not requested to nurse. He definitely wants more being held and attention now, though. And seems to have gotten more aggressive and temperamental.

And I've been feeling blah. Like I don't want to do anything. Sort of depressed. Only today did it dawn on me that I've been feeling this way since about the time he stopped nursing. I miss holding him for long times and rocking him to sleep. Now my bras, which didn't fit well in the first place, seem to be fitting worse. However, I'm not experiencing any pain or discomfort like you hear women suffer who abruptly stop nursing.

Well, I'm gonna try to get myself out of this slump and hope that it starts to go away. I just don't feel like doing anything at all. Not even logging on to Facebook and checking all my messages. I don't really feel like doing all the stuff I normally feel like doing. I've only been doing them out of pure habit. I'd much rather lay around in bed or sit quietly in my chair, not reading, not drawing, not doing much of any thing at all. I'm pretty certain now that the severe mood shifts Chase and I are experiencing is because of weaning.

Well, holding and cuddling my boy should help with the growing up blues. My lil' guy is growing up ;D He'll be wiping his own butt soon! Cross my fingers!

pumping

By the time Julius was 6 months I was already having to occasionally supplement breastmilk with formula in his bottles because I wasn't pumping enough at work (though he would exclusively get breastmilk in the afternoons, evenings and weekends)
But with Isabella, it looks like my body already has that natural rhythm and I'm able to pump 2-3 bottles a day during my work hours. I'm pretty proud of that feat and I'm thrilled that at 4 months, Isabella has only drank breastmilk. I'm hoping this continues!

Mommy Art

Being a mom has been inspiring for me as an artist. (though I don't have as much time to draw as I'd like). Here is self portrait of me feeding my son.


Nurture by ~GillianIvy on deviantART

A Lungful

Always seem to find yet another article supporting extended breastfeeding. Chase is now over 2 years old, and I'm still breastfeeding him. Now it's down to only 2-4 times per day, usually just before nap/bedtime, and maybe a snack. Some nights he might go to bed without it, but others, he wakes up in the middle of the night to feed. But his general appetite fluctuates a lot too. Some days, he'll eat like a bird, others he'll eat heartily.

Well, here's the latest article on the benefits of breastfeeding on the long-term scale. Lung capacity studies show children who breastfed atleast 4 months stronger than children who were bottlefed, regardless if bottlefeeding was breastmilk or formula. The suckling act proves a better lung exercise.

Despite what others think of me giving extended feeding to my son, I feel confident that I'm doing the right and natural thing. He's a happy child, and I'm a happy mom. Allowing him to wean himself will let him assert his independence and let him know that his opinion matters. I try to be responsive to my son when he talks to me, and being responsive when he wants to nurse is just as important. I could never let him "cry-it-out", nor will I deny him when he wants feeding. I'm hoping he will choose to wean soon, as I'd like to have my body back (somewhat) like it was before.

In a small way, it is depressing to look in the mirror and see how poorly my clothes fit me and how much weight I've gained. After he is done nursing, I may try dieting. Because my breasts are so large, I feel unattractive because I do not have the proper support in these nursing bras. I'm hoping my breasts will go down in size a bit. It's depressing to think they might be this big forever.... I'd almost consider breast reduction.